The Final Goodbye
by InsertACreativeNameHere
Summary: [postHTTYD2] A series of Hiccup's short monologues over the course of the first two years after Stoick dies (cross-posted on Tumblr under slavicviking)
1. I

Decided to re-upload the story – hope you enjoy. 

[Desktop version highly recommended.] 

* * *

"Hey...Dad. 

I… 

… 

I don't really… know what to say… 

They, Astrid, told me that this, talking to You, I mean, will help. With grieving. I don't know… 

Gods above… 

You were always so good with Your words, with speeches, and I… I don't even know where to begin. Astrid told me to just…say what I feel, but how can you do that? I am…a mess. I don't know what I feel. 

Part of me still hasn't accepted the fact that You are d- _gone_. That if, if I close my eyes and then open them again a moment later, You will not be there. That You will never… You are gone and – and I? I am lost, I feel like a child once again – clueless, thrown at unknown waters without the guidance I thought I didn't need. 

The village is still standing. With many of the buildings destroyed and people wounded, but it stands tall, proud, like it has for seven generations now. Snotlout jokes that it has only been two weeks, that I still have plenty of time to burn the whole thing down. I laugh but each time I do, the knot in my stomach gets tighter. Because what if I do? What if- Astrid tells me to stop thinking like that - but what if…if I just _can't_ be the Chief, the Viking You wanted me to be? 

Gods…Can You hear the way my voice brakes? 

It's embarrassing. 

Mom told me about Your father. In a weird, twisted way, I feel better now that I know You have been through something similar. It makes me wonder… What did You feel? How, how did You….how did You cope? How could You ignore the empty void in your heart that cannot ever be filled? Were You paralyzed with loss? Muted with sorrow? 

They tell me that it's _normal_ , that, in time, I will be able to move on and let go of the painful memories, keeping the good ones close to my heart. But… I do not want to move on, not yet, not… If I move on, I accept what has happened. I cannot do that. 

I…don't know what to do. I don't know what I should feel. I don't know… I don't know…. 

What would _You_ do? 

You spend your life teaching, or trying to teach, me how to be a worthy Viking and the next Chief. I've been foolish to react to your teachings the way I did. A coward I was, a coward I still am. I-I never realized just how _much_ You did for me. And I…I was ungrateful, childishly so. You taught me how to cook, how to defend myself, how to sew… When I lost my leg, when I nearly drowned, when I was hit by lightning, You were always there. You were my greatest teacher, my authority. My hero. 

Now I no longer have you, nor your lessons. 

Now, I must learn myself." 

**A/N:**

 **Inner Struggles recently crossed 500 favorites and I just wanted to use this occasion to say a huge "thank you" to anyone that read and enjoyed it. It means a world to me. ;)  
**

 **~InsertACreativeNameHere**


	2. II

[Desktop version highly advised] 

* * *

"Hey, Dad. 

It's been… three months now. 

The events that… that took You away… 

It feels as though it was only yesterday that all of this happened… I- 

Astrid is worried. 

She thinks I don't notice all the glances thrown my way, but I do. She looks at me like, like I could break any moment now. I keep telling her I'm fine but I don't know if I'm lying more to her, or to myself. 

Astrid is…amazing, not like I have to tell You that - You always liked her, respected her a lot. 

To me… 

She is my light in the darkness, able to lift me up when I'm at my lowest. I feel safe when she's around, the sadness fleets away for a short moment whenever she laughs, her smile is what brightens up my day. She supports me with everything she has, sometimes forgetting about herself and her own needs. She always puts me before her – it's… I don't even have the words that would describe what she means to me. 

I love her. 

I love her so much. 

I can't imagine a world without her. 

The villagers tease a lot, the words "Berk's lovebirds" are something we heard countless times already. I can see Astrid doesn't like it very much, but I don't mind that much. It's a distraction, I think I'm in need of one. 

Was it like that for you and my Mother too? 

I try to imagine that but I fail miserably every time. 

My Mother, the one I always imagined, the one that filled in the empty void in my heart, and Mom, the Crazy Vigilante Dragon Lady…they are two different people. I know Her – the one from my dreams, the one that never left, the one that You, in my mind, fell in love with. But… Mom - she's nothing like her. 

When I was younger, I tried to imagine You and Her, the fleeting shadow. In my mind you were always the perfect couple, the perfect Vikings. You trained together and fought side by side, fearless, able to conquer the world. 

But then… 

I was confronted with a stranger that, surprisingly, held something familiar, something that felt like home. I cannot explain it, nor do I understand it. Not yet anyway. She is nothing like I imagined. You, together, were nothing like I imagined. It was magical, to see You and my Moth- my Mom… 

It was different. 

It was…better than what I have imagined for all those years. 

The love you shared was shown in the tiniest, seemingly most insignificant of things. And it was beautiful. Your love declarations didn't need words. And it was inspiring. Your usual quick, sharp movements became gentle, Your frown turned into a soft, loving smile. You were so happy… 

I…I took that away from You… 

Sometimes, sometimes my mind wanders onto dangerous territory and I… I try to imagine what if, what if Astrid- 

I can't…I simply can't… 

I'm so sorry, Dad. I wish…I wish you had more time together. 

It's my fault… 

I hope, I hope that one day, you will forgive me. 

And that, one day, I will forgive myself." 

**A/N:  
**

 **New chapters should be coming soon!  
**

 **~InsertACreativeNameHere**


	3. III

**[Desktop version highly advised]**

 **Order of the chapters changed - the two that were deleted will be reuploaded tomorrow.**

 **3**

"Hey, Dad. 

I'm later than usual… 

…but… 

I- 

Toothless went missing. 

And it's my fault. 

This whole mess- 

All… _all_ of this is my fault. 

…Gods above 

I can't do it anymore, I can't, I _can't_ … 

Toothless and I…we were drifting apart, quicker and quicker. I never thought it would, _could_ happen. He- He blames himself for, for… 

I saw him sitting by the house at times, staring at the setting sun. We no longer have the time or the luxury to fly together every day. I miss it. I miss it so damn much. 

Life was so simple not that long ago and I didn't- I never appreciated just _how much_. 

I was a fool. 

Now that you're gone I see things I've been blind to before. And yet I didn't see the misery of my best friend. 

I'm worried…Gods, I'm worried so much. 

We searched most of the island, in the sky and on the ground – me, and the gang. I never thought we would get back together as a group under such circumstances. Having them by my side was a reassurance I didn't know I needed. 

But Toothless…he's nowhere to be found. 

And it terrifies me. 

Astrid tries to convince me to sit down and think – but how can I do that if I know he is out there somewhere, maybe stuck…injured? What if I'm moments late? What if- 

Part of me is missing with him gone. 

I went to search the forest last night. By myself. Others have responsibilities. My mistakes are for me to fix. I thought that…I thought that maybe I can find him. 

I got lost. First time in ten years. 

Remember when you let me wander off for the first time? You said I was a man, that I was old enough, mature enough. And I got lost. 

I remember how the trees stood so tall, and the forest seemed to never end. I twisted my ankle when I slipped but, despite that, I wanted to prove myself, to you. 

But you sent out a search party. And I was angry, so angry, that you didn't let me do this, that you didn't believe in me, despite what you claimed. I thought it was betrayal, but now I know it was just embarrassment that I felt. And as I recall you shaking your head with a scowl I so despised, I know you felt it too. 

This time it was Astrid that found me, and it was Astrid that shook her head, disappointed. Sleep-deprived and cold, she took me back home and tended the split on my leg. I never understood how silence could be "deafening" until now. And as she slung her arms around me, as she chocked a lecture about how irresponsible I am, how worried she was – I've never felt so utterly embarrassed. 

I…keep hurting the ones I love. 

I keep disappointing, the embarrassment… it's overwhelming. It's a vicious cycle that will never end. 

I want it to end. 

Pray for Toothless, Dad.

Pray for Astrid, for mom, for the village.

Pray for me."


	4. IV

"Hey… Dad. 

Did you often fight with your family? 

Have you ever… had a fight so bad you thought about letting it go, once and for all? 

Mom and I… 

It's… 

…. 

At heart, I always wished I had someone similar to me around. Someone that, like me, never quite fit in. Frustrated, I searched for that faceless, shapeless _somebody_ , angry and disappointed You were not them. 

I saw myself in a Night Fury, a dragon that was more of a legend, a myth, than anything else. And I was…happy, I felt I belonged. I understood then that it was a dragon, not a human, that would understand me the most. 

And then…I found Mom and my life has, once again, been turned upside down. 

She suddenly came back into my life, just as You… 

One thing Mom mentioned is forever stuck in my head. She…she said that, that this _gift_ that we share, it bonds us, in a way. I thought I knew what that means. Maybe I don't. 

I always thought that those are our differences that make us fight the most. As it turns out, similarities can do that too. 

I do not want to fight. I know she doesn't either. But the wound is too fresh, the pain too raw, and the pressure too big, hitting us both harder than we make it seem. Sometimes I feel she does not deserve to _grieve_ you, not like I do, not like Gobber, or anyone who you have kept close to your heart for the last twenty years. It's bitter, I know. And selfish. 

I'm not proud of some of the things I've said and done this past few months. At times it feels as though some dark, uncontrollable force takes over my body, making me angrier…lonelier...unfair… Sometimes…sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore. 

… 

She sleeps in Your room, in Your bed. She eats in Your chair. My heart aches each time she does. 

She tries. I do too, when I'm not too tired. But there is so much that we need to talk about, so many wounds that have not been tended to yet. She's a stranger to me, will remain one for some time. She is not ready to get back into the community of Berk, and Berk is not yet ready to welcome her either. There is just so much…so much I don't know. The burning question of "why" is always on my mind but can never leave my mouth. 

Maybe because I'm too scared of the answers. 

She says she did it to protect me. I don't know… 

It's…Dad, it's all going too fast. 

The repairs. 

The Berserkers. 

The dragons. 

Drago… 

My, my wedding. 

And…Mom. 

So many things are happening at once and I…I can't keep up. And then, and then she mentions _You_ , and that's the last straw. She speaks as though she knows You, but, but how can she if she has been away for the past twenty years? How can she know what made You happy, what angered You, what saddened You, irritated… I see the pain in her eyes whenever I mention her time away. It's real, sincere. I wish I could do something. But I can't. 

It's not fair. 

None of it is. 

Gods above… 

I sometimes doubt I can do _anything_ …. 

I…I miss You, Dad. 

I miss you every single day."


	5. V

**Important edit: I noticed chapter III and V are the same, so I deleted the latter, and ffnet sadly treats deleting a chapter the same way as adding a new one and bumps it up - so sorry for any confusion. New chapter should be here soon, though**

 **While we're here, though, I would also like to mention I am updating my stuff here and on ao3, since there are things I haven't posted on either of those platforms. If you want to find more works (until I update them here), you can find them on my tumblr - slavicviking.**

 **V  
**

"Hey, Dad. 

Mom found your old cape today…The one, the one that I set on fire by accident. Do you remember? It was the last time you trusted me with a torch almost as big and as heavy as me. I was so angry, it seems so silly now that I think about it… I thought…I thought you didn't trust me. That was the first time you grounded me. And the first time I sneaked away. 

I hardly ever listened to you, didn't I? Like that time when I stole that ale from you and got more drunk than Gobber on Snoggletog? You warned me, but I didn't listen. I should have. Or that time…that one time when I went through Your things even after You told me not to touch it? I destroyed the last letter You had from my Mother, spilled the water all over the parchment and turned it unreadable. You yelled at me, more furious than I have ever seen You before. I cried, embarrassingly, like a child that I still was at heart. But then…then You told me it was alright and I tried to believe You, though I knew it was anything but. 

And…Drago… 

… 

But! Between You and me, You didn't always listen to me either. Admittedly, I was like a piece of floating ice – unstable and unpredictable. I never fit in. I never will, it seems. We were…so different from each other, so far away and yet so close in the values we shared, in the ideas that we believed in. I sometimes wish… 

The Red Death was nothing compared to the gripping fear I felt squeeze my heart when You found out about Toothless. It felt like two worlds, two realities, crashing together with me in the middle, lost and scared, with no control whatsoever. The disappointment in Your eyes…I will never forget it. A nightmare coming true, that was what it felt like to me. I never meant to hide, I never meant to lie, I never meant to-to betray You. I never… I got lost, in what I believed in, in who I was, and who I was meant to be. And You weren't there…to listen. Or perhaps it was me who didn't want to tell. 

Or…maybe…it was both. 

Are You listening to me now? Can You hear me in the depths of Valhalla? Can You hear my Mother cry, or Gobber mourn when nothing but darkness surrounds them? Can You hear the village cheer and honor Your name? Can You…? 

I miss Your voice. I fear that one day I will forget how it sounded. 

You cannot help me to tell the bad and good apart anymore, or tell me what I should or shouldn't do. There are no rules to disobey, or advices to ignore. 

I never thought I would miss it as much as I do."


End file.
